{ i’m back! / baby-wars} / august 6. 2012
.baby.wars. // yes, there is a war going on inside me. i eat, and then it comes back up. this process has repeated itself about 2-3x/day for the last 12 weeks. baby is not taking after mama in his/her love for food, i’ll tell you that much. i am now 18 weeks prego and growing! and i am finally starting to hold {some} food down. i am sure i will make up for lost time in gaining the weight that i lost, considering that my meal plan yesterday consisted of chef boyardee, popcorn, and rocky road ice cream. baby apparently has no problem with junk food!
being sick and unable to do much has been a drag. i have really struggled with feeling totally useless and helpless at times– which is not a great feeling for a self-sufficient girl like myself. God has been near and His Word has been my helper through this frustrating season. embarrassingly enough, here are what my thoughts have consistently looked like these past few months:
The Word then met me in my self-aggrandizing thoughts and grumbling, and spoke a humbling Truth:
i, somehow, was under the impression that God needed me these past few months. i never would have said that out loud, but my actions and my thoughts pointed directly to my living under the weight of that lie. i have been super-dependent on my husband to care for me during this time, being unable to prepare meals, take care of our budget, and perform many other important household tasks- and in general, i’ve been hard to deal with. this dependence has made me feel guilty, like i owe my husband something when he cares for me. and i don’t like the feeling of being in debt {who does?}.
it dawned on me how much i live under that same weight with God. i know God is NOT dependent on me and that I am FULLY dependent on him for “life and breath and everything”, but i sure do think that if i am useful enough, it’ll help pay off my debt to Him. today, my Father wants me to rest. rest in knowing that He is out accomplishing all that He desires and does not need my help to do so. best of all, He already HAS accomplished the most important thing we could ever hope for- giving me complete favor in His eyes fully through the blood shed on my behalf through Christ. He is not served by my hands. instead, i get to rejoice from where i am in all that He is doing and has done. right now, i am rejoicing in the little life wreaking havoc inside my body, knowing that as i am made weak, His strength is more than sufficient. i let myself forget that being in a place of need is a very blessed place to be, indeed. glad to be back & writing again.
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Welcome back! I often feel a similar frustration..going to work every day for a corporation, when I could be serving or having what I feel could be a ‘real’ influence elsewhere. But you are so right, God’s will is done without me and often in spite of me. What a sweet reminder.
Will be praying that you feel better soon!!